State of Delusion

By
James Thoburn
Published: January 28, 2010
State of Delusion

Barack Obama’s State of the Union address as you and I and everyone else not covered with wool heard it: let it be noted that the spirit of Joe Wilson was regrettably denied entry.

State of Delusion
Barack Obama
27 January 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Tonight, I am going to address, the issues, before this great nation. Now let me be clear. I will only talk, in stilted, comma infused, English. I will never, get to a point, without contradicting myself, somehow. I will not, allow, the television camera, to highlight my prolific addiction, to myself, and the mirrors of my teleprompters. Nor will I ever, admit, that I never utter sentences, unless I can somehow manipulate the meaning into an oxymoron.

Tonight, I will begin by talking about my administration’s extreme dedication to cutting wasteful spending, and reducing, our nation’s debt. Let me start, by saying that it’s not my fault. I don’t have supreme power to fix all of your problems. But I will fix this, because I will never let America be second. I will not wait, Not when China, North Korea, Russia, and Germany are not waiting, but modernizing their economies, and bringing hope to their people.

I will state scary facts, until you are forced, to believe, whatever outrageous statement I make next is divine fruit given to you from heaven. I will prolifically start my sentences with I, because I only give myself credit. I will remind you that I am not part of Washington, I will hope, that my mesmerizing words, will cause you to forget that I am Washington’s, ringleader.

Tonight, I will claim, that trillions of dollars we didn’t have that was spent in the first year of my administration, was forced to be spent, by Bush. And tonight, I can’t help but blame him, for Washington’s failure. Now, I want to clear some things up.

I support universal health-care because I listen to the tears of the millions of Americans, even those with health-care, who are an illness away from financial disaster, and I care. I will pretend. I will pretend that I am ignorant that these uninsured Americans have iPhones, iPods, extra cars, large screen high-def TVs, expensive vacations, and starting today, an iPad. I will ignore that little Max, who might be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow and not live another day, was given a Nintendo Wii, DS, and XBOX360 for Christmas to go with the new games and new TV you bought him for his birthday a week ago, when you could have taken him to a doctor or bought health insurance.

I will lie and declare that I support health-care because it would save Americans a trillion dollars, just because it sounds cool to shout huge savings when I know I’ll just be taxing you extra and raising your rates. I will claim that I will continue to fight for transparency in government and an end to lobbyist control, even as I surround myself with lobbyists, and close the doors on the health-care debate. I will also claim that I will send back any health-care bill not up to my standards, even though this one is true. I would. I just don’t have any standards.

And finally, Tonight I will reprimand the supreme court for bringing fairness and equity to the election cycle by making blatantly untrue and loaded statements about their ruling. I will ignore that before, Unions and Media Organizations had a monopoly on campaign advertising in the weeks before an election, and that now their dollars and control can be balanced.

Thank you, and goodnight. It’s time to roll up our sleeves and pretend like we work.

-Barry

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About the Author

James Thoburn is a student at the University of Chicago. He created Backyard Politics to bring together individuals interested in actively participating in the political discussion without giving up their day job. His other interests include running, golf, and music.